I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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