currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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