I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
