I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
