I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
