I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
