so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i was born a porn star she said
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
