remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
