she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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