Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
