well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
