Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just want to make out with him forever
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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