I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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