She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
