wakey wakey hands off snakey
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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