Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize