you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
