You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Boobs are out for the taking
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
