Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
