the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
