i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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