so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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