Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
