They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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