Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
