New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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