omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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