I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
