i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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