he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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