i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
