i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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