i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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