His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
