if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
