Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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