It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize