I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
