She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
