did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
