Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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