Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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