after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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