Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
