he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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