I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
