dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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