my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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