my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
