Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
