i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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