i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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