We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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