She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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