You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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