Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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