Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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