oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
