I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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