I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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