What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
