Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize