My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize