I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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