You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
