Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
