There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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