she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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