yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
