Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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