I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize